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sun_set_bravelyA dear friend sent this to me today, but I'm not holding it against her. I'm guessing that she didn't read it all the way through, and so didn't realize how fucking offensive some of these are.
Granted, some are cute and funny and true. I like #25, #45, #47, and #69.
But most are elitist b.s. ... Let the Ranting Begin!
I especially love:
#2 Gross. Gross Gross and fuck you too.
#27 ?? Wow. That's implicitly racist, and awful.
#39 Oh, the good old Center-of-The-World New Yorker. This New Yorker can also be heard telling someone who lives outside of New York that his/her grief over 9/11 is the worst grief that has ever existed, and surely New York is the strongest city in the history of mankind to face what it has faced. Lack of perspective, anyone?
#72-#74 Guess that excludes people who live in the Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island as being counted as a "New Yorker." That sure would be news to them, as they're part of the five boroughs that make up New York City!
Okay, without further ado, here's the list. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Signs you are a New Yorker:
1. You get very annoyed with out-of-towners who think the subway is unsafe.
2. You actively avoid bars that people from the outer boroughs frequent.
3. You figure that a date costs at least $200
4. You have not seen a bank teller in several years, because your idea of going to the bank is using the ATM at your corner deli
5. You haven't smelled grass clippings in over a year.
6. You haven't called "shotgun" in a long, long time.
7. You think New Jersey is really far away.
8. You plot the Barney's Warehouse Sale on your calendar.
9. Seeing dogs in the corner pizza shop, Blockbuster, and Bloomingdales seems normal to you.
10. You have over two month's rent in credit card debt, but you still eat out every night.
11. You have stayed out later than 4am on a Monday or a Tuesday night.
12. Your passport gets more use than your driver's license.
13. Visiting relatives outside of the tri-state area is like a trip to the third world...your dollar is so much stronger.
14. You are ashamed to be assigned a 646 area code.
15. Not one of your adult friends is married, has a car, owns an apartment, or aspires to any of the above.
16. You think nothing of a man in leather pants.
17. Your childhood bedroom is bigger than your current apartment, but your rent costs more than your parents' mortgage payment.
18. At least one meal each week consists solely of drinks, olives, and nuts.
19. You eat Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, and sushi at least once each week.
20. You tell everyone you love NY because of the cultural institutions, but can't remember the last time you set foot in a museum or theater.
21. You spend $10 to see a movie.
22. You take at least $150 with you every night you go out: $20 for cabs,$20 for cover, $60 for diner, and $50 for drinks.
23. You have gone out on 3 dates with 3 different people in the same week, but you haven't spoken to any of them since.
24. You wear Prada shoes, Gucci sunglasses, a Cartier watch, and cashmere, but claim to be poor.
25. Wearing a coat over pajamas is acceptable streetwear until at least 1PM on Sunday or for trips to the deli.
26. You spend more on your dog than most people spend on their infants.
27. "Manhattan" really only refers to streets below 96th St., everything north is the island of Harlem.
28. You view the world as having two types of people: downtown and uptown.
29. Anywhere else you would think a 15 minute drive across town a quick trip, but crossing the park might as well be the Sahara.
30. You could write an episode of "Sex and the City" based on personal experience.
31. You are not aware that speed limits exist in Manhattan.
32. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
33. You tell a cabbie what route to take to any destination.
34. Talk of politics beyond Hillary or the Mayor is a social faux-pas.
35. Unlike 99% of Americans, you dread the summer.
36. You know the names of every media mogul in town but do not know who your congressman is.
37. Though your salary would buy you a very comfortable lifestyle anywhere else in America, your quality of life is a little better than a Calcutta slum.
38. Rats on the subway track don't faze you.
39. You have pondered exactly which intersection in Manhattan the center of the world exists.
40. You know your local homeless man by name.
41. You have no problem standing in line for an hour waiting to get into a bar to pay $12 for a drink and look at people you will never talk to.
42. Everyone but you has a great rent situation.
43. You think everyone living outside of New York is jealous of you.
44. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
45. The subway makes sense.
46. The subway should never be called anything pissy, like the Metro.
47. You have a favorite subway artist and it's not the guy who salsas with a doll.
48. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
49. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge or tunnel is a fair price.
50. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple"
51. Your door has three or more locks.
52. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
53. An 8x10 plot of dirt with sprigs of grass outside your back door means you have a "garden" apartment.
54. You consider Westchester "Upstate"
55. You think Central Park is "nature"
56. You're paying $1200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal"
57. Doesn't everyone have a dorm sized fridge?
60. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
61. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay in rent.
62. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
63. Going to dinner before 8 means you couldn't get a good reservation.
64. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
65. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1990 and when you did, it terrified you.
66. You pay $6 for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
67. You take fashion seriously.
68. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
69. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
70. The liquor store across the street delivers..and you've taken advantage of that service.
71. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip"
72. You only go to the Bronx to watch a Yankees game.
73. You've been two places in Queens: LaGuardia and JFK
74. You've never been to Staten Island and you're not going.
75. Dating people whose numbers begin with 516, 201, 732, 914, or 718 is a "long distance relationship"
76. America West of the Hudson is still theoretical to you
77. As long as the Don't Walk sign is still flashing the crosswalk is fair game.
78. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
79. $50 worth of groceries fits into one plastic bag.
80. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
81. You don't hear sirens anymore.
82. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
83. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
84. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Puerto Rican, your laundry guy is Chinese, you favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, you last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your Chinese restaurant is run by Mexicans, and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
85. You haven't been a designated driver since college...that's what cabs are for.
86. You can't remember the last time you had pizza from Dominoes, Pizza Hut, or Little Ceasar's.
87. You've witnessed the breakup of more than one relationship while walking down the street.
88. You can have an "intimate" dinner for two while sitting two inches from the next table.
89. The only places you could ever live are New York, Paris, London, San Francisco or a remote island in the Bahamas.
90. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know this means Manhattan.
And with that out of my system, I can go to sleep. Thank you for tolerating my rant.
Granted, some are cute and funny and true. I like #25, #45, #47, and #69.
But most are elitist b.s. ... Let the Ranting Begin!
I especially love:
#2 Gross. Gross Gross and fuck you too.
#27 ?? Wow. That's implicitly racist, and awful.
#39 Oh, the good old Center-of-The-World New Yorker. This New Yorker can also be heard telling someone who lives outside of New York that his/her grief over 9/11 is the worst grief that has ever existed, and surely New York is the strongest city in the history of mankind to face what it has faced. Lack of perspective, anyone?
#72-#74 Guess that excludes people who live in the Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island as being counted as a "New Yorker." That sure would be news to them, as they're part of the five boroughs that make up New York City!
Okay, without further ado, here's the list. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Signs you are a New Yorker:
1. You get very annoyed with out-of-towners who think the subway is unsafe.
2. You actively avoid bars that people from the outer boroughs frequent.
3. You figure that a date costs at least $200
4. You have not seen a bank teller in several years, because your idea of going to the bank is using the ATM at your corner deli
5. You haven't smelled grass clippings in over a year.
6. You haven't called "shotgun" in a long, long time.
7. You think New Jersey is really far away.
8. You plot the Barney's Warehouse Sale on your calendar.
9. Seeing dogs in the corner pizza shop, Blockbuster, and Bloomingdales seems normal to you.
10. You have over two month's rent in credit card debt, but you still eat out every night.
11. You have stayed out later than 4am on a Monday or a Tuesday night.
12. Your passport gets more use than your driver's license.
13. Visiting relatives outside of the tri-state area is like a trip to the third world...your dollar is so much stronger.
14. You are ashamed to be assigned a 646 area code.
15. Not one of your adult friends is married, has a car, owns an apartment, or aspires to any of the above.
16. You think nothing of a man in leather pants.
17. Your childhood bedroom is bigger than your current apartment, but your rent costs more than your parents' mortgage payment.
18. At least one meal each week consists solely of drinks, olives, and nuts.
19. You eat Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, and sushi at least once each week.
20. You tell everyone you love NY because of the cultural institutions, but can't remember the last time you set foot in a museum or theater.
21. You spend $10 to see a movie.
22. You take at least $150 with you every night you go out: $20 for cabs,$20 for cover, $60 for diner, and $50 for drinks.
23. You have gone out on 3 dates with 3 different people in the same week, but you haven't spoken to any of them since.
24. You wear Prada shoes, Gucci sunglasses, a Cartier watch, and cashmere, but claim to be poor.
25. Wearing a coat over pajamas is acceptable streetwear until at least 1PM on Sunday or for trips to the deli.
26. You spend more on your dog than most people spend on their infants.
27. "Manhattan" really only refers to streets below 96th St., everything north is the island of Harlem.
28. You view the world as having two types of people: downtown and uptown.
29. Anywhere else you would think a 15 minute drive across town a quick trip, but crossing the park might as well be the Sahara.
30. You could write an episode of "Sex and the City" based on personal experience.
31. You are not aware that speed limits exist in Manhattan.
32. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
33. You tell a cabbie what route to take to any destination.
34. Talk of politics beyond Hillary or the Mayor is a social faux-pas.
35. Unlike 99% of Americans, you dread the summer.
36. You know the names of every media mogul in town but do not know who your congressman is.
37. Though your salary would buy you a very comfortable lifestyle anywhere else in America, your quality of life is a little better than a Calcutta slum.
38. Rats on the subway track don't faze you.
39. You have pondered exactly which intersection in Manhattan the center of the world exists.
40. You know your local homeless man by name.
41. You have no problem standing in line for an hour waiting to get into a bar to pay $12 for a drink and look at people you will never talk to.
42. Everyone but you has a great rent situation.
43. You think everyone living outside of New York is jealous of you.
44. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
45. The subway makes sense.
46. The subway should never be called anything pissy, like the Metro.
47. You have a favorite subway artist and it's not the guy who salsas with a doll.
48. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
49. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge or tunnel is a fair price.
50. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple"
51. Your door has three or more locks.
52. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
53. An 8x10 plot of dirt with sprigs of grass outside your back door means you have a "garden" apartment.
54. You consider Westchester "Upstate"
55. You think Central Park is "nature"
56. You're paying $1200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal"
57. Doesn't everyone have a dorm sized fridge?
60. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
61. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay in rent.
62. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
63. Going to dinner before 8 means you couldn't get a good reservation.
64. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
65. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1990 and when you did, it terrified you.
66. You pay $6 for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
67. You take fashion seriously.
68. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
69. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
70. The liquor store across the street delivers..and you've taken advantage of that service.
71. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip"
72. You only go to the Bronx to watch a Yankees game.
73. You've been two places in Queens: LaGuardia and JFK
74. You've never been to Staten Island and you're not going.
75. Dating people whose numbers begin with 516, 201, 732, 914, or 718 is a "long distance relationship"
76. America West of the Hudson is still theoretical to you
77. As long as the Don't Walk sign is still flashing the crosswalk is fair game.
78. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
79. $50 worth of groceries fits into one plastic bag.
80. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
81. You don't hear sirens anymore.
82. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
83. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
84. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Puerto Rican, your laundry guy is Chinese, you favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, you last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your Chinese restaurant is run by Mexicans, and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
85. You haven't been a designated driver since college...that's what cabs are for.
86. You can't remember the last time you had pizza from Dominoes, Pizza Hut, or Little Ceasar's.
87. You've witnessed the breakup of more than one relationship while walking down the street.
88. You can have an "intimate" dinner for two while sitting two inches from the next table.
89. The only places you could ever live are New York, Paris, London, San Francisco or a remote island in the Bahamas.
90. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know this means Manhattan.
And with that out of my system, I can go to sleep. Thank you for tolerating my rant.
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no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 06:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 07:40 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-11-20 07:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 07:47 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-11-20 07:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-21 05:44 am (UTC)*You get pleasure from feeling united with your friends
and family with your joint generalizations
*You have never had to worry about eating
*You have never walked around without a gun
*You think the rent in New York is manageable
*You think life in the projects is your destiny
*All you listen to is classical music
*All you listen to is hip-hop
*You think you know anything about anything and don't
realize at best you may have an educated guess
"Those are my thoughts and apply to every borough and every block!!"
That Schnak is such a good peace-keeper. :)
Re:
Date: 2002-11-21 06:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 06:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 07:29 am (UTC)Once again, New York proves itself to be an amazing matrix of vastly different opinions.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 08:08 am (UTC)I think the author(s) of this list stole some of these from another list called "Top 90 Signs I'm A Wealthy Elitist Asshole."
It almost makes me want to create a real list just to counteract its closed-mindedness:
1. You consider the roaches in your bathtub to be your "Little Friends."
2. You have actually picked a MetroCard up off the street in hopes there is still a 50-cent balance on it.
3. You will walk three crosstown blocks just to get to the deli where everything is 5% cheaper than the deli next to your apartment.
4. When you tell a panhandler you have absolutely no money on you, you're telling the truth. You don't have any off you either.
And so on ...
no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 08:35 am (UTC)Brilliant! As if there weren't enough problems in the world, right?
I love your counter-list, especially #4. I'm impressed that you responded with such sharp humor, as my first reaction was just to shake my head and rant to my roommate.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 09:29 am (UTC)To be fair, my one trip to Staten Island, when I lived in New York, was when I ran in the NY marathon. I once attended a shiva in Queens, but pretty much everything else was the airports. But here is where I am different from the prototypical New Yorker: I've played rugby in the Bronx (Van Cortland Park) many times. Otherwise, though, my Bronx experience is mighty thin.
I can't tell you how many times people, even New Yorkers, have said to me that Columbia (where I went to college) is "in Harlem."
no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 09:41 am (UTC)I take offense at much of this because I live in Brooklyn, and I love it there. Often, people assume that you live in an outer borough because you can't afford rent in Manhattan. Well, even if I had the money to live in Manhattan, I don't think I would. I like the energy of my neighborhood. I like crossing the Manhattan Bridge every day to go to work. I'm sure there are a lot of New Yorkers (by this I mean the technical definition of anyone who lives in the five boroughs) who think the same way.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-20 05:45 pm (UTC)Brooklyn has always been a different case--notice the list didn't make any specific digs at Brooklyn. After all, Brooklyn has Peter Lugers, half the Brooklyn Bridge, Brooklyn Heights, and Walt Whitman (and many other notable creative people) lived there!
I always loved the Upper West Side, which was also an easy commute to my office. Then my wife and I moved to the East Side to take advantage of a friends rent-regulated apartment. It was a mistake, but it was like we were paid a bribe to do it.
If you could live anywhere in New York--that is, money was no object at all, and all apartments in all buildings were available--where would you live?
no subject
Date: 2002-11-21 05:47 am (UTC)A close second would be the Williamsburg Savings Bank tower. Waaaay up there under the clock.
Re:
Date: 2002-11-21 05:57 am (UTC)My wife worked at the Met back in the 1980's in the education department as part of her masters work. She tells me that there is an entirely different world--a city, really--behind the scene. So many employees. They have their own cafeteria and other places behind the "authorized personnel only" signs.
Now, you know that admission at the Met is voluntary--at least it was for years. You can pay a quarter if you like. When we were poor students my wife--girlfriend then-- would do this. Out of a combination of embarrassment and poverty, I would let her get my admission button for me. (I am a coward, I admit it.)
The Modern is a different story--14 bucks a person, nothing voluntary about it. If you try to sneak in they send a squad of action painters after you who kick the crap out of you and leave you like an inscrutable scribble on the sidewalk.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-21 07:29 am (UTC)Yeah, I'm a member of the "pay anything you can scrounge out of your pocket" club as well. I feel so badly for all the tourists who come in and pay the full price. I want to slip them a note telling them to save their money for the Old Merchant's House or for an Off-Off-Broadway show.
I've only been to the MoMA once because of their outrageous prices. But if I were smart, I'd take advantage of the "pay what you can" days at all the museums. I've always known that most museums had these days, but I only recently found out that they are required to have those days if they receive government funding. Excellent! The government does work for me sometimes!
Re:
Date: 2002-11-21 07:55 am (UTC)That's life
Date: 2002-11-21 03:43 pm (UTC)