That old sinking feeling

[sun_set_bravely]

In high school, I had to wake up at the unholy (for a teenager) hour of 4:30 in the morning. Almost every morning, after my alarm jolted me awake, my spirit sank and the thought flashed through my mind: "Is this it? Is this all there is to life?"

I didn't have a particularly difficult time in high school; I was a good student and I loved being in theatre. It didn't matter. As my mind woke up, I saw the endless march of days unraveling in front of me like Hitchcock's unsettling stairwell in Vertigo, and everything felt hopeless.

It's a terrible feeling. Maybe some of you recognize it. It can appear even if your life is sailing along smoothly. I wake up and before I know where or who I am, I fall into darkness. I pre-live every day of my life in rapid succession, but without any joy. Days spin into months then into years and then I'm dead, just like that. It all seems inevitable and useless. If I believed in evil, or the Devil, I might attribute it to that -- darkness seeping in and trying to steal my joy from me. Maybe it's a trick of brain chemistry. I don't know

High school is the first time I remember feeling this way, but it still comes and goes. Sometimes related to difficult times, sometimes randomly. I've woken the last two mornings with this awful feeling. It can be deeply unsettling. Breathing, hot tea, a bit of perspective... they ease the transition into daily life, but don't always touch its stone heart.

I think the recent report about humankind's impact on the planet has depressed me more than I realize. Plus, I'm entering the fourth round of edits on an old article, and I dread looking at it again because I feel like I lack the intellectual rigor to handle the damn thing. I still have no leads on my screenplay, and the industry seems so sleazy and soulless. But these are just work things. Otherwise, my life is good, and I'm incredibly blessed.

And yet.

Do you know that feeling? How does it sneak into your life?

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

yes, i've known that feeling, or at least a similar one. i've let entire decades slide by, convinced that i was doomed to be mildly unhappy and oddly unfulfilled. it's a trap i still fall into, made worse by my tendency to dither in inaction.

>they ease the transition into daily life, but don't always touch its stone heart.

that's so true. i often fill my day with mindless reading, breakfast out, and so on, little bits of pleasure that don't really fix what's wrong in the depths. but maybe if this is common, then it's part of the human condition for many of us?

[chaptal.livejournal.com]

"...darkness seeping in and trying to steal my joy from me."

I know that so well, but can't explain where it comes from. John Irving called it the undertoad.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

that's depression. sometimes it has a
chemical cause, sometimes it doesn't.
from what you say it's a combination
of work and worldview. have you ever
been in any therapy? it can help, if
you can tolerate it and find a decent
therapist. ~paul

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

Mine is similar. I start thinking about how much time I have wasted and then I realize how much is left compared to how much is gone already and I get that horrid feeling of dread.

[penelopesque.livejournal.com]

The alarm is what does it to me. When I wake of my own volition I'm fine, but being jolted awake always leaves me in a state of despair.
The exception is when I'm waking for something unusual - like a drive or a conference I organized.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I know this feeling too. The sudden sense that "it's all so pointless." I agree also that the awareness of the planet's plight - and the human suffering everywhere - can be a crushing burden for our joy-of-life.

[oceanic.livejournal.com]

The global warming news has been killing me. Not so much the reality of it happening (who didn't already know that?) but the fact that nothing seems to be happening, even *when* everyone knows. I still know people who want to buy cars. How are we ever going to get out of this?

I despair, and then I breathe, and then I remind myself that change this big takes time and *has* to start with me and the people around me.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

I know this feeling too well. The cat helps. Tea and walking and cooking help, too. Anything to get through the heaviest moment and remember I'm alive and that's all I can do, is something small and good for me.

[robertainnc.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling. At the moment it is less sneaking in to my life as it is stomping in and shouting "here i am!".

[http://users.livejournal.com/lindalee_/]

I know this feeling as well. It's so easy to get lost and feel overwhelmed at the thought of where my little life fits into the big picture of the world, of all time. I justify, I rationalize, and in the end, the answers I come up with only work well enough for me to shrug off the question for another day.

[treehousegal.livejournal.com]

i attribute the constant tugging physical pain in my heart to this feeling....this undertoad.
keep on keepin on sista.