sun_set_bravely | Things that aren't worth doing, and things that are

William Gaddis said, "There have never in history been so many opportunities to do so many things that aren't worth doing."

~ ~ ~

When I was a sophomore in college, I remember having crises of meaning while watching a "Behind the Music" about Madonna. I thought, "I have such burning hopes and dreams in my heart, and all I can do is watch a TV show about another person achieving their dreams." Meanwhile, I was wasting my time checking my e-mail all day, playing computer games, watching movies I'd already seen twice. I knew I had potential, and I felt like I was wasting it.

That was nine years ago, and I still wrestle with that old e-mail addiction. I know I'm not the only one. Since then, I've revised my ideas about "wasting time", and I now believe that sometimes, the best thing I can do is not do anything.

But this quote from Gaddis still resonated powerfully with me. Things that aren't worth doing, that I've done a lot of in my life:
*Checking e-mail every ten minutes, shattering my concentration
*Getting lost wandering on the internet, reading bullshit that doesn't feed my soul
*Worrying myself into paralysis about world events that I can't control instead of breathing and doing good in the small world around me
*Excessive online shopping
*Worrying that I wasn't achieving enough
*Buying new things at the mall that I didn't really need, out of boredom
*Doubting myself

Some of these are unique to this moment in history, with our technological advances and tools that we haven't yet learned to use for the best rather than the banal. Some of them aren't.

This is the spot where a New Year's resolution belongs, but I'm not going to make one. Instead, I leave a blank space where the new year will unfold, perfect and imperfect in turn, rich with forward movement, steps backward to retrieve something lost, and wild animal circles in the snow that bring me again and again to old lessons still to be mastered. This will certainly be the year where I break through some walls, and discover new ones. I want to have fun with it all.

Here comes the warm sunlight. On bright days this winter, the sun bathes my desk from 11 a.m. until maybe 1 p.m. It is a rich blessing that keeps me warm in our otherwise cool apartment. May all of your years be touched by this same gift of sunlight: not scorching, not absent, but just enough to give you pause, to make you close your eyes and know that you are held up by this intense and beautiful world.