A new dance move
Apr. 10th, 2006 09:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sun_set_bravelyY'all already know this, but it's news to me.
I'm getting married.
Yeah, I know. It's a doozy.
I've spent a lot of time in the last ten years fighting against the idea of marriage, or big poofy weddings. I've railed vociferously against the system, the man, and anyone else who would tell me how to love and live.
I've been fighting so hard against the bridezilla and Wedding Industrial Complex stereotypes (what I DON'T want) that I forgot to ask myself what I DO want. I've been inking in the negative space rather than sketching the ideal shape I desire.
By the time we get married, we will have been engaged (in our minds) for over two years, and I will have needed every second of those years to find peace with and my own definition of this legal institution.
This weekend held some big steps in that direction. CL's mom was here, and contrary to all ugly stereotypes, we had a blast. She is a woman after my own heart: strong, witty, secure, emotionally intelligent, and observant. I have so much respect for who she is, and how she has danced through her life, even the hardest, darkest parts of it.
There was a holy moment on Saturday where the three of us lounged on our bed, CL asleep at the foot, and his mom and I lying next to each other at the head. We both stared out of the window at the grey, hazy rain, and she told me stories: sneaking out of her Catholic nun-led college dorm to see "Doctor Zhivago," fleeing the country and sitting alone with her three-month-old son on a boat in the middle of the South China Sea, refusing a marriage proposal because she'd have to move in with his family and take care of his aging parents. She talked about how she hates the disrespectful ways that women are treated in her husband's home village in Northern Vietnam. She told me about their recent visit to his home, when she made one male relative so mad that he left the house -- all because she said that the sister in the family should be just as important as the brothers. Then she said, laughing, "I think they're scared that I'll come back and change the village!"
Around this connection, there have been pinpoints of light, each one leading me deeper into mystery and peace.
Saturday:
We're about to put down a deposit on a tent for the wedding. It's the biggest expense for us, and while it's nothing compared to the national average of $20,000 for a wedding, it feels like a lot of money to us. The tent rental company sends us a sample layout for the tables, chairs, buffet, and dance floor, both an overhead view and an elevation drawing.
CL prints it out, and I pick it up and look at this thing. Slowly, I see the names on our guest list transform into people, and they're all sitting at these chairs, under this tent. They're all there because of us. They're all there to celebrate with us. We are going to know every single person under that tent. They are our loved ones, our close-to-our-heart friends. I got a little choked up as I realized that we are really doing this.
A tiny something shifted. Maybe this event, so long dreaded by me, really can be what we want it to be: an event that honors our community and celebrates the crazy, stupid, wonderful, sacred commitment we have made to care for each other as long as we live.
Yesterday:
As I walk home from book club with my friend C., I talk about how I'll probably be wearing three different outfits on our wedding day. (One of the tricky parts of blending two cultures into one wedding.) I'm anxious about this, because CL and I both want a laidback atmosphere on that day, and I don't want other people to feel underdressed because I'm wearing three different fancy outfits.
My friend says, "Yeah, but you're the bride."
I have my kneejerk reaction to that, "I hate that excuse! I don't want to be a pretty pretty princess."
She responds, "It's okay. People go to a wedding expecting the bride and groom to be special that day. You can be a pretty pretty princess in whatever form she manifests herself in you."
It occurs to me – oh my God. I'm going to be a bride. What the hell does that mean?
Last Night:
I have my first Wedding Anxiety Dream. It's the morning of the wedding, and I suddenly realize that I don't have my shoes yet. I post a frantic entry on LJ, asking people for recommendations. I hope that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
schpahky would respond, but then I realize that she's probably getting in her car to drive to the wedding. I freak out, thinking that I could have checked on Zappos.com months ago and been ready way back then, but for some reason I decided to keep procrastinating it. (Mario Batali also yelled at me in another part of this dream for talking during his theatre performance, but that's another story, I think.)
This morning:
I wake up, remember that we have five months until the wedding, and exhale. Another tiny something shifts. This planning shit is hard work, yes. But it's the only time we're ever going to do this. There have been several times in my life when I've minimized the importance of an allegedly Big Event so much that I regretted it. College graduation, countless birthdays and Halloweens. In avoiding the diva mentality, I don't want our wedding to be one of those events that I try so desperately to make less important than it is.
A balance between Bridezilla and Absent Bride does exist. I think she lives in the space where I finally say "Fuck all this noise," abandon my external view of myself, and inhabit my body and soul fully, without adjectives.
I continue the dance.
I'm getting married.
Yeah, I know. It's a doozy.
I've spent a lot of time in the last ten years fighting against the idea of marriage, or big poofy weddings. I've railed vociferously against the system, the man, and anyone else who would tell me how to love and live.
I've been fighting so hard against the bridezilla and Wedding Industrial Complex stereotypes (what I DON'T want) that I forgot to ask myself what I DO want. I've been inking in the negative space rather than sketching the ideal shape I desire.
By the time we get married, we will have been engaged (in our minds) for over two years, and I will have needed every second of those years to find peace with and my own definition of this legal institution.
This weekend held some big steps in that direction. CL's mom was here, and contrary to all ugly stereotypes, we had a blast. She is a woman after my own heart: strong, witty, secure, emotionally intelligent, and observant. I have so much respect for who she is, and how she has danced through her life, even the hardest, darkest parts of it.
There was a holy moment on Saturday where the three of us lounged on our bed, CL asleep at the foot, and his mom and I lying next to each other at the head. We both stared out of the window at the grey, hazy rain, and she told me stories: sneaking out of her Catholic nun-led college dorm to see "Doctor Zhivago," fleeing the country and sitting alone with her three-month-old son on a boat in the middle of the South China Sea, refusing a marriage proposal because she'd have to move in with his family and take care of his aging parents. She talked about how she hates the disrespectful ways that women are treated in her husband's home village in Northern Vietnam. She told me about their recent visit to his home, when she made one male relative so mad that he left the house -- all because she said that the sister in the family should be just as important as the brothers. Then she said, laughing, "I think they're scared that I'll come back and change the village!"
Around this connection, there have been pinpoints of light, each one leading me deeper into mystery and peace.
Saturday:
We're about to put down a deposit on a tent for the wedding. It's the biggest expense for us, and while it's nothing compared to the national average of $20,000 for a wedding, it feels like a lot of money to us. The tent rental company sends us a sample layout for the tables, chairs, buffet, and dance floor, both an overhead view and an elevation drawing.
CL prints it out, and I pick it up and look at this thing. Slowly, I see the names on our guest list transform into people, and they're all sitting at these chairs, under this tent. They're all there because of us. They're all there to celebrate with us. We are going to know every single person under that tent. They are our loved ones, our close-to-our-heart friends. I got a little choked up as I realized that we are really doing this.
A tiny something shifted. Maybe this event, so long dreaded by me, really can be what we want it to be: an event that honors our community and celebrates the crazy, stupid, wonderful, sacred commitment we have made to care for each other as long as we live.
Yesterday:
As I walk home from book club with my friend C., I talk about how I'll probably be wearing three different outfits on our wedding day. (One of the tricky parts of blending two cultures into one wedding.) I'm anxious about this, because CL and I both want a laidback atmosphere on that day, and I don't want other people to feel underdressed because I'm wearing three different fancy outfits.
My friend says, "Yeah, but you're the bride."
I have my kneejerk reaction to that, "I hate that excuse! I don't want to be a pretty pretty princess."
She responds, "It's okay. People go to a wedding expecting the bride and groom to be special that day. You can be a pretty pretty princess in whatever form she manifests herself in you."
It occurs to me – oh my God. I'm going to be a bride. What the hell does that mean?
Last Night:
I have my first Wedding Anxiety Dream. It's the morning of the wedding, and I suddenly realize that I don't have my shoes yet. I post a frantic entry on LJ, asking people for recommendations. I hope that
schpahky would respond, but then I realize that she's probably getting in her car to drive to the wedding. I freak out, thinking that I could have checked on Zappos.com months ago and been ready way back then, but for some reason I decided to keep procrastinating it. (Mario Batali also yelled at me in another part of this dream for talking during his theatre performance, but that's another story, I think.)This morning:
I wake up, remember that we have five months until the wedding, and exhale. Another tiny something shifts. This planning shit is hard work, yes. But it's the only time we're ever going to do this. There have been several times in my life when I've minimized the importance of an allegedly Big Event so much that I regretted it. College graduation, countless birthdays and Halloweens. In avoiding the diva mentality, I don't want our wedding to be one of those events that I try so desperately to make less important than it is.
A balance between Bridezilla and Absent Bride does exist. I think she lives in the space where I finally say "Fuck all this noise," abandon my external view of myself, and inhabit my body and soul fully, without adjectives.
I continue the dance.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 02:12 pm (UTC)just don't forget your shoes :)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 02:20 pm (UTC)I am so glad to read the part about C's mom and you. Wonderful wonderful wonderful.
I for one am eagerly anticipating seeing your costume changes! Please remember that there are years of etiquette rules telling guests to not upstage the bride, specifically because it is her wedding, her day to be the flower crowded by bees. Um, maybe that sounds too sexual. Uhhh, you know what I mean.
Did you go with Redbones?
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 02:29 pm (UTC)As of now, the plan is to make the food ourselves. Three food stations: Vietnamese food (made by his family), Tex-Mex (made ahead of time by me and CL), and sandwiches/salad/general American food. We're going to hire a coordinator to handle all the details on that day, but the food will be all us! Whee!!!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 04:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 04:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 06:12 pm (UTC)"this is the day I bring the noize"
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 09:51 pm (UTC)Weird that talk of "food stations" was the thing that sparked (schpahked?) some excitement when I read this. Suddenly, I see this is A. Legitimate. Concern. I can make an ass of myself on the decks any time I want, but food stations? That shit's for rill, son.
Please be sure to include a pair of boogie shoes in your plans. I would hope that goes for everyone.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-11 02:37 am (UTC)Sexay!!
(edited to fix my sleepy html, yo)
Dead sexxxay!
Date: 2006-04-11 02:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 09:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 11:26 pm (UTC)that's lovely, you and CL's mother getting along so well, and her telling you her life's stories.
Big Event
Date: 2006-04-11 02:44 am (UTC)You are having a tremendous experience
and I am so happy for you and impressed
at the way you have approached it all.
Congratulations!!!
Mawage...is what brihngs us togewer....towday
Date: 2006-04-11 03:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-12 05:43 pm (UTC)*YES!*
I love you so much, this rulez.
I'm so excited for you two
Date: 2006-04-13 05:03 pm (UTC)never forget the pleasure of the journey
Date: 2006-04-26 07:08 pm (UTC)Re: never forget the pleasure of the journey
Date: 2006-04-27 03:24 pm (UTC)I wonder in some ways if it helps that I have other ongoing creative projects in my life. Instead of pouring all of my creative energy into the wedding, I have a script, and a book, and articles to obsess over. Also, it helps that I am not very crafty. DIY Excel files I can do. DIY invitations scare the crap out of me.
Thanks for your lovely and kind comment, Ms. Anonymous. :)