Leaving

[sun_set_bravely]

Preface:
I'm very much a homebody. I'm not antisocial by any means; I love to go out and interact with people. But home is where my soul unfurls. Home is where I relax, rejuvenate, re-energize for the rest of my life's activities. I love days when I have no plans, and I can wander around my home, puttering with books, LiveJournal, old letters or e-mails, or just write in my journal. These are the days that feed my soul, that re-emphasize who I am, and where I am going. My home is my center, my nucleus. My home gives me balance and stability.

~ ~ ~

It dawned on me yesterday morning that I've lived in this apartment for almost four years, which is as long as I lived in my mom's home before I left for college. This apartment was my first true fully-functional home away from my family.

So much has happened in the last four years. I was a college student when I moved in here, still financially dependent on my family for survival. Now, I am a financially independent citizen with a mattress set, a degree, and a full life of my own. I have grown exponentially in the last four years, in ways I never could have imagined.

I grow very attached to places, especially places whose walls have witnessed my great change or growth. It tore me up to leave my dorm room in England after one year. And I've been here for four years. Even though I'm moving on to a wonderful new apartment with a spectacular roommate, I'm not sure how it will affect me to leave this apartment. I'm trying to be gentle to myself, and to allow time for this adjustment.

This afternoon, I've got the place to myself. I'm going to go around to each space in the apartment with a notebook and pen, and I'm going to collect my memories of that space. These walls, floors, and ceilings have so many stories to tell. I want to capture as many as I can before I leave here.

To those of you who have ever left a home that you loved very much: how did you cope? Were there rituals you enacted that comforted you? How do you release all of the connections to the place? How do you tie up all of the loose ends so you can give yourself over to change wholeheartedly?

Comments

[oceanic.livejournal.com]

Thankfully my mother still lives at my home, which is the only place I've lived in for more than a year. I can't imagine the pain I'd feel if she ever had to move. But I think, if I had to, I would do two things to help myself:

1) Plant a small sapling tree either somewhere in the yard or somewhere up in the hills.
2) Bury something under it-- a small time capsule or piece of jewelry in a box, with a note.

Just so the roots could grow in a place I loved, around something of mine.
That suggestion probably won't help you in an apartment at all, but maybe it would trigger some other urban idea of how to leave that piece of your heart in peace and move on.

[amiok.livejournal.com]

it IS a hard thing, to leave a place like that. We used to "visit" our old apartment (on the outside only) when we were in the area and it broke our hearts that after we spent hours scraping the paint off the front windows (because someone was too lazy to hang curtains), the first thing the new people did was repaint it! Once your things are moved out it will look less like you...

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I have a mental image that it takes 1 to 2 years for a new place to feel like home, so I am not distraught, I am just waiting out my year. Sometimes it takes much less time!

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

I left a place I'd been in four years last fall. I was very much ready to move, which helped, but I loved the house so much it was hard to picture leaving; there are a few things that also helped.

The process of packing automatically kicked off remembrance, grieving and all that stuff. I felt really fondly about my house and all the memories it held and experiences I'd had there.

The second half of packing and leaving got so arduous that I was pretty much done with the memories and felt ready to move on. You seem much, much more organized than I ever was so this may or may not be your situation. All I could see was my great future and how cleaning out all this dross was necessary.

When my room was empty, I dusted everything, and The Guest washed the floor on his hands and knees with a scrub brush and bucket of hot water. I put a vase of flowers in the middle of the room for the next tenant, who was moving in imminently. That helped me feel that I was not only out of the space, I was accepting that it was soon to be someone else's.

I "clapped out" all the corners and the closet. It's what it sounds like. You go and clap up and down and that clears out any stagnant lingering energy. I swear you can feel where it needs it.

Finally I thanked the room and touched the places on the walls and floor that meant the most to me and freed it from any of my Stuff. That step was critical. I did these last two steps at my old room at my mother's house too. It was a year of partings. Oh, and before you leave the room make sure you shake your hands out, you know, to leave anything behind that might have stuck to you while you tried to exit.

If you are really feeling like you need a concrete purification you can make a cup of sage tea (just put sage in a tea ball or the like), dip a paper towel in, and wipe down all the door lintels in the house, top to bottom. The last door should be your front or back door. Pour the leftover tea outside and put the paper towels out with the trash sooner rather than later. That helps psychically and physically.

Moving has its own momentum and I think you may find that, by the time the end is in sight, you already have a steady foot on the next step. You'll be ready to shift your weight and finish the leap.

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

I've thanked you once for these recommendations, and I will thank you again, publicly.

Thank you!

And now, to the boxes. Erg...